When you people think of Christmas You think of presents under that pine All I can think of are your spoiled brats And working over time I get out one night a year It's lonely and cold in this snow And Mrs. Clause ran off with an elf and gave A new meaning to "Ho Ho Ho" I've made my list I'm checking it twice And checking it twice more So I don't forget what I like to sip When I head to liquor store Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me My reindeer they get gassy And I'm downwind constantly Keep the milk and cookies I'll take aspirin and whiskey Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me Going out without being recognized Gets harder every year Only place I fit in are hipster bars Where everyone's got suspenders and beards Kids ask me for new siblings Bad news little Jill and Tom There's nothing left in Santa's sack, if you know what I mean But I'll gladly meet your mom I'm sick of lists From stupid kids With nothing but sugarplums in their heads 'mon you jabronies, how many ponies Do you think I can fit in this sled? Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me My reindeer they get gassy And I'm downwind constantly Keep the milk and cookies I'll take aspirin and whiskey Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me BREAK And people think I'm just a dirty old man You think I like having kids on my lap? They squirm too much and sometimes I scare them 'Til their Huggies fill up with crap And when I ask, "What's your name, little boy?" I hope it's Mikey, Johnny, or Steve And not "I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator" On Dateline NBC........Uhh that elf swore she was 18! Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me My reindeer they get gassy And I'm downwind constantly Keep the milk and cookies I'll take aspirin and whiskey Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me Tis the season to be jolly Sure, if you're not me
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